The Matter of Trust

We can't trust. We are not able to. We learned to not trust anything what they say. We learned to not trust anything because we never know if it's true or not. We never know if our loved one will finally keep his or her promise this time or not. And we are so tired of believing! We are constantly being dissapointed - again and again and again and again without the end - and so we learned to not believe. We don't trust anything and anyone because we try to protect ourselves before another dissapointment. We learned that promises mean nothing. We learned we can't trust anything. Even when we talk with somebody very nice and healthy we don't believe them because we learned to. We protect ourselves before being hurt again even with people who would never do the same as the addicts. We just get used to be in constant danger and insecurity.

Yes, we are insecure. We never know what else will be wrong again. We never know what bad will come again. We never know what other reason will appear for why are we wrong persons and why are we the cause of everything. We cannot trust even for better tomorrows. So many times we hoped that better days will come and they didn't. And maybe never will. So many times we believed our addicted loved ones they will change because they love us so much (as they say) and they didn't. So many times we believed and were dissapointed. We just lose our ability to trust people when living with the addicts. They can be good people. They can be loving people. They can really care about us. But never more than about their addiction.

We want to see the prove, but it never comes. We want to see they really care about us more than the piece of that shit, but it never happens. They become prisoners controlled by the shit and are not willing to change anything about that. They say good things to us to not be blamed for not doing it. In fact, they're being selfish. They say they love us while hurting us so much and NOT CARING about our feelings at all? They constantly say and try to prove how they love us, how they care about us or how they want us to be happy... but the truth is they do NOT care. They always remind us how many things they do for us to make us see how much they love us, but in truth they are selfish and they try to convince especially themselves that they are doing well.

We wait for the magic moment when we will start to feel really loved, but it never comes, even through so many presents, kind words or hugs. We feel cold inside. We feel it's not honest. We feel they don't do it from the place love but from the place of fear - because they fear they would lose us, they fear we could blame them for something or we could criticize them for not doing all these things. They do it for THEMSELVES, not us. They do it to avoid being responsible for anything. And even when they say it's all for us, even when they do so much to please us, we feel and know that they do it for themselves at the first place. We do not feel loved. We feel betrayed. Because all the time we're only lied to.