Preface

I had never recognized before that something could be wrong. My father was always drinking beer and I remember his angry moods since I was little. Everytime he was feeling sick we had to step back and let him do what he wanted. Everything had to be arranged according to him. He had to have his quiet, he had to watch his news or violent movies, he had to have his beer and later also cigarettes, he had to have his newspaper immediately, he had to have his food, he had to have his control. 

He sucked in money matters, he sucked as a man, he sucked as a husband, he sucked as a father. Yes, he loved us, maybe I could feel it in my heart somewhere... but he was an addict. And are the addicts really able to love someone when they do not love themselves? Is it really love? I don't know. I just remember we all suffered because of his moods. We all suffered because of his drinking and smoking. We all suffered because of his behavior. We all suffered because of his 'needs'. 

Honestly, I would never call addiction the 'need'. True needs are things like sleep, food, love, home and other things which we really need for life. Addiction is not needed at all. In fact, it makes good people just prisoners who constantly run away from themselves, it makes them poor and weak and in the end they become just some empty ruins. Are these people able to love anybody truly when they constantly hurt themselves and their loved ones? Is it true love when they constantly promise they will change and nothing changes at all? Is this love when they are touching us, saying kind word, expressing they care through presents... while they are constantly hurting us all by their addictions?

THAT's how we lose our ability to believe and trust. We don't know what is true and what is not. We don't know what to believe. We don't know how to trust. We HEAR how they say kind words to us, we SEE the beautiful presents, we FEEL their touches, hugs or kisses... and still we are so hurt and full of pain because deep inside we know that nothing is more important and more loving than stop being addicted. We can't feel really loved if the people who we love are hurting us so much. How could we possibly trust somebody who is constantly lying to us? They say they love us and they are hurting us so much at the same time. We lose our ability to trust. We lose ourselves. We're lost in the hell of inner suffering. We're codependent.