Matter of Control

Many times it looks like our addicted loved ones try to control everything and sometimes even everyone around. It looks like they try to prove to themselves and also to the others that they have control over everything and do nothing badly. They violate other people's space to prove to themselves that they DO have some power and ARE in control... that they are SAFE.

Many times addicts blame others for trying to take their FREEDOM away. But is it really another person who takes somebody's freedom away? Addicts are violating our freedom all the time, but that seems to be okay. They can do everything what they want and 'need' to, but we mustn't do anything what we need and what they don't want. From their sight, THEY are the victims, poor victims constantly being attacked and criticized by bad others for something which gives them the false feeling of power and control. They don't want to give up their addictions, because they're addicted not only to the drug or behavioral pattern, but also to the FEELING OF CONTROL - which gives them feeling of FREEDOM! So when we want them to stop that, they feel like we want them to give their freedom away! We are the bad ones, we are the violating ones, we are the wrong! They truly feel like victims, even if the true victims are all around them all the time!

How unfair it is! But the illusion created by their addiction is so strong and so believable, that it's very difficult to them to see it, especially when they are being constantly blinded by alcohol, cigarette's smoke, stomach overfilled by food, constant working on something else, gambling or other things and behaviors which help them run away from themselves and make themselves blind and deaf towards themselves and their own core. Their soul can cry by sadness, hurt, frustration and desire for love and care, their body can yell by pain, cough, sickness or illnesses, but NO, they just WON'T listen to them!! No, no, no!! They will take another drink, another cigarette, another food, do another task, just not to hear those cries and yells from the inside!!! They are so afraid of them that they will do anything not to hear that, see that, feel that!! It looks like they're just too big cowards to take the stand against the trap and illusion they're stuck in and stop it! No! It would mean losing control or freedom! That can't be allowed! How can their loved ones possibly be so bad that they want them to stop what makes them FREE?! How can WE be so bad?!

We are blamed for our love and care, we are blamed for hating what is totally natural to hate, we are blamed for wishing their health and wellness. We are so, soo bad, oh my goodness!! Maybe we should congratulate them on being so wise and doing so well... don't you think? Isn't it ironic how all their problems are being projected on us? And isn't it tragic that we REALLY start to feel guilty for wanting them to stop (because we hear those accusations all the time, each day, each night)? And when we are so bad because of not wanting to allow them their addictions, we start not to feel worthy and deserving good? The cursed circle is slowly involving us and in the end we suffer too with them.
We have become codependent people. Our self-confidence has gone. Our self-esteem has become the pile of ashes. Suddenly we realize they got power over us. And that is not a problem of the addicted person already. Codependency is OUR problem. But that's another chapter.