Matter of Control

Many times it looks like our addicted loved ones try to control everything and sometimes even everyone around. It looks like they try to prove to themselves and also to the others that they have control over everything and do nothing badly. They violate other people's space to prove to themselves that they DO have some power and ARE in control... that they are SAFE.

Many times addicts blame others for trying to take their FREEDOM away. But is it really another person who takes somebody's freedom away? Addicts are violating our freedom all the time, but that seems to be okay. They can do everything what they want and 'need' to, but we mustn't do anything what we need and what they don't want. From their sight, THEY are the victims, poor victims constantly being attacked and criticized by bad others for something which gives them the false feeling of power and control. They don't want to give up their addictions, because they're addicted not only to the drug or behavioral pattern, but also to the FEELING OF CONTROL - which gives them feeling of FREEDOM! So when we want them to stop that, they feel like we want them to give their freedom away! We are the bad ones, we are the violating ones, we are the wrong! They truly feel like victims, even if the true victims are all around them all the time!

How unfair it is! But the illusion created by their addiction is so strong and so believable, that it's very difficult to them to see it, especially when they are being constantly blinded by alcohol, cigarette's smoke, stomach overfilled by food, constant working on something else, gambling or other things and behaviors which help them run away from themselves and make themselves blind and deaf towards themselves and their own core. Their soul can cry by sadness, hurt, frustration and desire for love and care, their body can yell by pain, cough, sickness or illnesses, but NO, they just WON'T listen to them!! No, no, no!! They will take another drink, another cigarette, another food, do another task, just not to hear those cries and yells from the inside!!! They are so afraid of them that they will do anything not to hear that, see that, feel that!! It looks like they're just too big cowards to take the stand against the trap and illusion they're stuck in and stop it! No! It would mean losing control or freedom! That can't be allowed! How can their loved ones possibly be so bad that they want them to stop what makes them FREE?! How can WE be so bad?!

We are blamed for our love and care, we are blamed for hating what is totally natural to hate, we are blamed for wishing their health and wellness. We are so, soo bad, oh my goodness!! Maybe we should congratulate them on being so wise and doing so well... don't you think? Isn't it ironic how all their problems are being projected on us? And isn't it tragic that we REALLY start to feel guilty for wanting them to stop (because we hear those accusations all the time, each day, each night)? And when we are so bad because of not wanting to allow them their addictions, we start not to feel worthy and deserving good? The cursed circle is slowly involving us and in the end we suffer too with them.
We have become codependent people. Our self-confidence has gone. Our self-esteem has become the pile of ashes. Suddenly we realize they got power over us. And that is not a problem of the addicted person already. Codependency is OUR problem. But that's another chapter.

The Matter of Trust

We can't trust. We are not able to. We learned to not trust anything what they say. We learned to not trust anything because we never know if it's true or not. We never know if our loved one will finally keep his or her promise this time or not. And we are so tired of believing! We are constantly being dissapointed - again and again and again and again without the end - and so we learned to not believe. We don't trust anything and anyone because we try to protect ourselves before another dissapointment. We learned that promises mean nothing. We learned we can't trust anything. Even when we talk with somebody very nice and healthy we don't believe them because we learned to. We protect ourselves before being hurt again even with people who would never do the same as the addicts. We just get used to be in constant danger and insecurity.

Yes, we are insecure. We never know what else will be wrong again. We never know what bad will come again. We never know what other reason will appear for why are we wrong persons and why are we the cause of everything. We cannot trust even for better tomorrows. So many times we hoped that better days will come and they didn't. And maybe never will. So many times we believed our addicted loved ones they will change because they love us so much (as they say) and they didn't. So many times we believed and were dissapointed. We just lose our ability to trust people when living with the addicts. They can be good people. They can be loving people. They can really care about us. But never more than about their addiction.

We want to see the prove, but it never comes. We want to see they really care about us more than the piece of that shit, but it never happens. They become prisoners controlled by the shit and are not willing to change anything about that. They say good things to us to not be blamed for not doing it. In fact, they're being selfish. They say they love us while hurting us so much and NOT CARING about our feelings at all? They constantly say and try to prove how they love us, how they care about us or how they want us to be happy... but the truth is they do NOT care. They always remind us how many things they do for us to make us see how much they love us, but in truth they are selfish and they try to convince especially themselves that they are doing well.

We wait for the magic moment when we will start to feel really loved, but it never comes, even through so many presents, kind words or hugs. We feel cold inside. We feel it's not honest. We feel they don't do it from the place love but from the place of fear - because they fear they would lose us, they fear we could blame them for something or we could criticize them for not doing all these things. They do it for THEMSELVES, not us. They do it to avoid being responsible for anything. And even when they say it's all for us, even when they do so much to please us, we feel and know that they do it for themselves at the first place. We do not feel loved. We feel betrayed. Because all the time we're only lied to.

Preface

I had never recognized before that something could be wrong. My father was always drinking beer and I remember his angry moods since I was little. Everytime he was feeling sick we had to step back and let him do what he wanted. Everything had to be arranged according to him. He had to have his quiet, he had to watch his news or violent movies, he had to have his beer and later also cigarettes, he had to have his newspaper immediately, he had to have his food, he had to have his control. 

He sucked in money matters, he sucked as a man, he sucked as a husband, he sucked as a father. Yes, he loved us, maybe I could feel it in my heart somewhere... but he was an addict. And are the addicts really able to love someone when they do not love themselves? Is it really love? I don't know. I just remember we all suffered because of his moods. We all suffered because of his drinking and smoking. We all suffered because of his behavior. We all suffered because of his 'needs'. 

Honestly, I would never call addiction the 'need'. True needs are things like sleep, food, love, home and other things which we really need for life. Addiction is not needed at all. In fact, it makes good people just prisoners who constantly run away from themselves, it makes them poor and weak and in the end they become just some empty ruins. Are these people able to love anybody truly when they constantly hurt themselves and their loved ones? Is it true love when they constantly promise they will change and nothing changes at all? Is this love when they are touching us, saying kind word, expressing they care through presents... while they are constantly hurting us all by their addictions?

THAT's how we lose our ability to believe and trust. We don't know what is true and what is not. We don't know what to believe. We don't know how to trust. We HEAR how they say kind words to us, we SEE the beautiful presents, we FEEL their touches, hugs or kisses... and still we are so hurt and full of pain because deep inside we know that nothing is more important and more loving than stop being addicted. We can't feel really loved if the people who we love are hurting us so much. How could we possibly trust somebody who is constantly lying to us? They say they love us and they are hurting us so much at the same time. We lose our ability to trust. We lose ourselves. We're lost in the hell of inner suffering. We're codependent.